My Future Stinky Clothes

Most of my friends are Wal-Mart haters.  And when they’re all I hate Wal-Mart, I try to keep a low profile and back away slowly, because I’ve harbored this secret for years, which is that I actually like Wal-Mart.  At least, I like my Wal-Mart.  My Wal-Mart is the one in Sevierville, TN.  It’s gotta be like the busiest Wal-Mart in the world.  Basically everyone who wants to visit The Great Smoky Mountains National Park is first funneled into this particular Wal-Mart.  And they’re all just so happy to be here, and they’re all, like, lost, which is funny to me, and it’s just a really great experience, being around all the happy, lost tourists.  And I don’t know any of them, ever.  Ever, ever.  So I don’t ever have to have conversations.  With as many people as there are in that building at any given time, going to that Wal-Mart is like insurance against social interaction.  Which is my kind of insurance.

And also I buy a lot of workout clothing there.  Everything’s like five dollars.  You see, when I exercise I sweat a lot.  I like sweating.  Actually, I like sweating really hard then taking a shower and shaving my legs and putting on the coconut lotion and feeling all tired-in-a-good-way and clear-minded and ready to take on the world.  But I sure do stink up my clothes.  I have to pitch my shirts a few months after I buy them because they stink after they’ve been washed.  So I just cannot spend a lot of money on workout gear that’s, basically, disposable.

And Wal-Mart is my first choice.

Then Academy Sports–their BCG brand.  I just walk past all the pricey name-brand stuff to the racks in the back.

Then the Gap outlet in Sevierville.

For running shoes I live in New Balance 890’s–normally over $100; I get then off the clearance rack at the New Balance outlet store for around $30.  I’m so cheap that I’m on their text alert list so that I can run over when they have sales and get my clearance shoes even cheaper.  I do not care what colors they have.  And they usually just have weird colors.  I got a purple pair on Black Friday for $18.  Everybody’s always like, “I love your shoes!”  They think I’m trying to make a statement with the weird colors, but I’m not.  I’m just cheap .

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