Most of my friends are Wal-Mart haters. And when they’re all I hate Wal-Mart, I try to keep a low profile and back away slowly, because I’ve harbored this secret for years, which is that I actually like Wal-Mart. At least, I like my Wal-Mart. My Wal-Mart is the one in Sevierville, TN. It’s gotta be like the busiest Wal-Mart in the world. Basically everyone who wants to visit The Great Smoky Mountains National Park is first funneled into this particular Wal-Mart. And they’re all just so happy to be here, and they’re all, like, lost, which is funny to me, and it’s just a really great experience, being around all the happy, lost tourists. And I don’t know any of them, ever. Ever, ever. So I don’t ever have to have conversations. With as many people as there are in that building at any given time, going to that Wal-Mart is like insurance against social interaction. Which is my kind of insurance.
And also I buy a lot of workout clothing there. Everything’s like five dollars. You see, when I exercise I sweat a lot. I like sweating. Actually, I like sweating really hard then taking a shower and shaving my legs and putting on the coconut lotion and feeling all tired-in-a-good-way and clear-minded and ready to take on the world. But I sure do stink up my clothes. I have to pitch my shirts a few months after I buy them because they stink after they’ve been washed. So I just cannot spend a lot of money on workout gear that’s, basically, disposable.
And Wal-Mart is my first choice.
Then Academy Sports–their BCG brand. I just walk past all the pricey name-brand stuff to the racks in the back.
Then the Gap outlet in Sevierville.
For running shoes I live in New Balance 890’s–normally over $100; I get then off the clearance rack at the New Balance outlet store for around $30. I’m so cheap that I’m on their text alert list so that I can run over when they have sales and get my clearance shoes even cheaper. I do not care what colors they have. And they usually just have weird colors. I got a purple pair on Black Friday for $18. Everybody’s always like, “I love your shoes!” They think I’m trying to make a statement with the weird colors, but I’m not. I’m just cheap .